What to Say to a Friend Going Through Infertility (And What to Avoid)

Not sure what to say to a friend struggling with infertility? A holistic fertility expert shares the one mistake to avoid and the exact phrases that actually help. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE

I get it...You want to show up for your friend, but every time you open your mouth to say something supportive, you second-guess it. Maybe you're worried you'll say the wrong thing, or worse, say nothing at all because you're too afraid of getting it wrong.

Here's the good news: there's no perfect thing to say. But there is a wrong thing, and once you understand it, you'll feel a lot more confident showing up for the person you care about.

The One Mistake Almost Everyone Makes

When someone we love is hurting, our instinct is to relate. We want them to know they're not alone, so we reach for our own story: "I totally understand, when I was trying to conceive..." or "My cousin went through the exact same thing, and here's what helped her..."

The intention is good. But there's a subtle shift happening in that moment: the conversation just became about you.

Even with the best intentions, sharing your own experience, offering unsolicited advice, or comparing situations pulls the focus away from the person who's actually struggling. In that moment, it doesn't matter how similar your story is, what matters is that your friend needed to be heard, and instead, they ended up listening to you.

This isn't about being a bad friend. It's simply a communication pattern most of us fall into without realizing it, because relating to someone's pain feels like the compassionate thing to do. The key is learning how to redirect that same compassion toward them, instead of toward a story.

What to Say Instead

The goal is simple: make it about them. That looks like asking questions, staying curious, and reminding them you're present: without needing to fix, relate, or advise.

A few phrases that do this well:

• "I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I'm here for you."
• "That sounds really hard. How can I support you right now?"
• "I'm not going to pretend I understand, but I want to. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather I just sit with you?"

Notice what these phrases have in common: they acknowledge the pain, and then they hand the conversation back to your friend. They don't try to solve anything. They just create space.

What If You've Actually Been Through the Same Thing?

This is one of the most common follow-up questions, and it's a genuinely important one: what if your experience really is similar? Is it still off-limits to share?

Not necessarily, but the key is asking permission first, rather than assuming it will help.

Instead of launching into your own story, try:

"I've had a really similar experience. Would it help to hear about it, or would you rather I just listen right now?"

This one shift changes everything communicatively, because it hands agency back to your friend. Some days, hearing "me too" from someone who's been there is exactly the relief they need. Other days, they may just need to be heard without anything else added — even something well-intentioned. Asking first means they get to choose what actually helps them in that moment, rather than being handed your story regardless of whether they wanted it.

It's the same reason support groups work the way they do: the agency lives in the choice to attend, to share, or simply to listen. That sense of choice is often part of what makes the space feel safe.

The Simple Truth Behind All of This

You don't need the perfect words. You need presence, curiosity, and permission-asking instead of assumption. Saying something imperfect but genuine:"I don't know what to say, but I'm here" — will almost always land better than staying silent out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

Your friend isn't looking for you to fix this. They're looking to feel less alone in it. And that's something you're already capable of offering.

Supporting Someone With Infertility? Share This With Them Too

If you're the one navigating infertility and a friend or family member sent you this post, know that you deserve support that goes beyond well-meaning but sometimes-missed attempts from the people around you. That's exactly why community rooted in shared experience matters so much on this journey.

If you're not sure what's showing up most for you right now — whether it's overthinking, self-protection, grief, or disconnection — the Fertility Block Quiz can help you find out in just a couple of minutes.

Take the Fertility Block Quiz →

You'll get grounded next steps for wherever you are in this journey.

Have a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Submit it through the show notes on the Her Fertility Podcast — your question could be featured in an upcoming Dear Jess episode.