📍 Welcome to Her Fertility, the podcast for women navigating infertility who want to feel like themselves again while they do it. I'm your host, Jess Tims, researcher, educator, and somatic practitioner, and I've been exactly where you are. I know what it feels like to be in the waiting, in the not knowing, in the relentless hope and grief of this journey, and I know there is a way to move through it fully alive without losing yourself in the process.
Every week, I bring you honest conversations, real research, and the kind of support your clinic can't prescribe. This is Her Fertility. Come on in.
Welcome back to the Her Fertility Podcast. I am so grateful that you are here, and I wanna specifically thank everyone who has left a five-star review on the podcast. It means so much to me, and it actually really helps me because we are reaching a big milestone here with the podcast. And so if you would take a few moments to leave a five-star review, I would really appreciate it, and it will help this podcast reach the women who need it in the middle of their fertility journey.
And so today's episode is another Dear Jess episode. This question is one that I am so grateful somebody was brave enough to ask
it says, "Dear Jess, I'm terrified to do another embryo transfer. How do I know if I'm ready?" And the first thing I want to say is I don't think being terrified necessarily means that you're not ready. And the first thing I want to say is that I don't think that being terrified necessarily means that you're not ready. And in this podcast episode, I'm going to unpack this with you because at their core, emotions and feelings can be data. Even though they're really uncomfortable to feel, when we can start to listen to what the body is telling us, we can start to get a lot of clarity around what it means for you.
and so I'm going to assume that the person who asked this question has already been through an embryo transfer that didn't result in the pregnancy you hoped for. Or perhaps it resulted in a pregnancy and then a loss, and you aren't walking into this next transfer with the same, like, excitement and really, like, innocence that you may have had before.
because you know what it feels like to hope, and you know what it feels like to wait, and then you know what it feels like to receive devastating news after allowing yourself to really believe that this could finally be it. And so we can definitely understand, of course, another transfer would feel different.
You have an experience now that you didn't have before. You can also want another chance, like be willing to do another transfer, while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by what that other chance asks you to do. The courage it's going to take to get through this.
And all of those things can exist together. And so when you're feeling all of that, it can start to feel really overwhelming and you might start to question, like, "Am I ready for this? Is this the right timing? Is this meant to be?" All of those questions. and so that's why I'm so grateful that you asked this question on the Her Fertility podcast.
So I'm gonna give you my answer, and then I'm gonna give you some steps that you can use to navigate this really special time that you're in. Because we do not give ourselves enough credit for what we go through during infertility. And so if you are in this boat, I just want you to take a pause and, you know, give yourself an actual hug or, like, an internal hug because what you're going through is a lot, and I absolutely recognize that.
And so when you feel fear, fear is not an automatic no. And I think this is one of the places where fertility support sometimes accidentally becomes another burden because you might hear that you need to be positive or you need to trust, or somebody might say, like, "You need to believe it's gonna work.
You need to visualize your baby. You need to surrender. You need to regulate your nervous system." And if you're scared, you might start wondering, "Then does that mean I'm not ready?" Or, "Does this fear have a bigger meaning?" Or even, "Could my fear somehow affect the transfer?" And I don't want you carrying all of that, because you don't have to manufacture a perfect emotional condition for an embryo transfer So said another way, your fear is not evidence that you're doing fertility wrong, and supporting your nervous system through this isn't about making your body, like, ready enough to become pregnant.
It's about supporting you through something that is genuinely very difficult. So instead of asking, "How do I stop being afraid so that I know when I'm ready?" I want to give you some different questions to consider because fear might be present for you the entire time, and that's okay. It is, it is a real emotional response to the experience that you've already had.
And so first, I want you to ask and consider differently, "Am I medically ready?" And this is the piece that belongs between you and your, you know, clinician team. So questions you can think through, maybe write down and actually ask your fertility clinic are, are there medical reasons to move forward now?
Are there reasons why your doctor is recommending waiting or recommending doing the transfer now? Another question to think about is, like, have you had the follow-up conversations that you need to have after your previous transfer? or are there additional tests or changes that you need to make to your treatment plan that your physician is recommending? Another thing to consider is do you understand the plan for this transfer and why your team is recommending it? You don't have to, you know, become your own reproductive endocrinologist.
You don't, you know, you don't have to become your own reproductive endocrinologist, but you do deserve enough information to understand what you're consenting to and why, and why now. So especially after a transfer didn't work, you wanna use that exper- you want to use the information you have now to make the best decisions moving forward.
And sometimes realizing that, like, yes, medically, we have done what we reasonably can do before this next transfer is a small layer of, is, gives, gives you a little more certainty than you might have had before. Of course, it won't guarantee the outcome, but it can give you clarity around the decision that you are making.
So once you have that clarity, the second thing I want you to ask is am I practically ready? And I think this one really gets overlooked, um, because what another transfer will require might impact, like, your actual life. So we're talking again, you know, about more appointments, more medication, maybe more time off work, finances, like childcare if you need it, travel, depending on what your plans are, or maybe you're traveling to your clinic.
There's, of course, the waiting period after, when the pregnancy test would fall. And so potentially having to make decisions about what comes next really impacts, like, the quality of your life in the next, you know, weeks to months to come. And so it's absolutely worth considering when you're making this decision because, life will continue to happen even when you're deciding to do another transfer.
And so sometimes that feeling of, like, I'm not ready isn't purely emotional. It isn't purely just based in fear. Sometimes you're exhausted, or sometimes you need a month where your calendar isn't organized around your fertility treatments, or maybe your finances need a minute, or maybe your relationship needs some space from all of this, or maybe you need some space from all of this.
And that really matters, too. And then you can ask that emotional question. So once you have clarity around those more practical things, then ask, "Am I emotionally ready?" And this is probably the part that you were actually asking about, but I want to really define what emotional readiness means because I don't think emotional readiness means, like, I'm no longer scared that this won't work or, like, I feel positive enough to do this again.
Um, if that were the standard, then many women might not ever feel ready for another transfer. So instead, I would ask, "Do I have enough capacity to move through this again knowing that I cannot guarantee the outcome?" And even that doesn't mean, like, could I go through another loss and be totally fine?
Because of course not, right? You don't need to pre-approve what you could, like, gracefully handle, you don't have to think through that to be allowed to, like, hope for this to work. And what I'm asking is more specific of, like, do I have enough support around me that I don't have to carry whatever happens completely by myself?
So for some people, that piece was missing the first time. And it looks really different for everyone, but do you have capacity? And, like, what that means for you is gonna be different from what that means to somebody else listening to this podcast. But for you, it might be, you know, do I have support from Her Fertility Support?
Do I have support from my partner? Are my friends supportive? Do I have a support group? Do I have a fertility team that I know, like, and trust? Do I have a therapist, right? Like, whatever the support feels appropriate for you, do you have it Because that gives you more capacity, right? Because that gives you more capacity.
And I would also add to that, and, and so once you have the support, you can ask that really hard question, which is, "What am I most afraid of?" Because asking, because stating, like, "I'm terrified to transfer again," is a pretty big statement because there's a lot that happens in that. And so if we can make it smaller, like are you afraid that it won't implant?
Are you afraid that you'll get pregnant and lose the pregnancy? Are you afraid of using one of your last remaining embryos? Are you afraid of what happens if this is your last embryo? Are you afraid of the two-week wait? Are you afraid that you'll completely lose yourself in the process again? Are you afraid to hope?
All of those fears may need different kinds of support. And when we simply call it fear, it can feel really enormous because it's actually a myriad of things. And this is, you know, really where having... And when, and when we name the actual fear, we can begin to figure out what you need around it. Because what you might discover is that there might also be grief here.
If this isn't your first transfer, I want you to consider and really make space for something else. Sometimes the fear isn't about the next step. sometimes it's grief from the last one. And moving forward doesn't require, like, pretending that what happened didn't matter. You can still grieve that experience while preparing to transfer again.
And you can feel And, and you can, and you can allow this to be really dynamic for you. You can feel angry about having to do this again and still wanna do it. You can feel hopeful and be guarded. You can be excited and be terrified. You don't have to choose one emotion and then, like, correct or fix that emotion before you're allowed to move forward.
And this is really at the heart of why I created the two-minute quiz that I have. If you go to any of my social media... So if you go... And, and this is really why I created the free quiz that I have now because we oftentimes just blanket over these experiences we're having, but what they really require from us is to get hyper-specific so that we know how to move forward in a way that really honors you.
And so if you haven't taken the quiz, I highly recommend it because it will likely shed light on how you're moving through infertility in a really more specific way than you ever have experienced before. And so, y- and so you might be listening to this and be like, "Okay, great, Jess. Like, how do I know when I'm ready if I am experiencing all of these things?"
And there isn't gonna be a moment where you wake up and you're suddenly like, "Okay, not afraid anymore. I'm ready." Like, there could be, but maybe your readiness is quieter than that. And so maybe your readiness really sounds like, "I'm still scared, and I want to move forward." Or maybe it's like, "I know I can't control what happens, but I feel supported enough to take this next step."
Or maybe you've really identified, like, "I'm not ready this month. I need time, and taking time is the decision that I need to make right now." And that last one counts, too, because waiting isn't failure, and moving forward also isn't proof that you've healed. Neither decision makes you more hopeful, successful, committed, or deserving of motherhood.
And so this question really isn't about whether you're brave enough to transfer again. You've already been incredibly brave. This question really is about what do you need in order to make this decision from a place that feels like yours. Not your clinic's timeline, not somebody else's IVF story, not the pressure you feel because of your age, not because you're afraid that taking a break means that you're giving up.
But what do you actually need? And so here's an exercise I want you to try. If you're sitting with this decision right now, I want you to take out a piece of paper. And if you need to come back to the episode, do that. But take out a piece of paper. And instead of writing, "Am I ready?" I want you to write these four questions instead.
So the first is, what do I know? I want you to write out what you know. What has your medical team told you? What information do you have about this transfer and your options? Like, what do you know? And then ask and write down, what am I afraid of? So be specific. And it can be multiple things. Like, don't limit yourself.
Just write. Don't write, you know, the broad statements like, "I'm afraid of another failed transfer." I want you to think about what
I want, I want you to get really specific about what the possibility of a failed transfer feels the hardest. And then the third thing is what would help me feel supported? Not what would help me feel guaranteed or what would help me feel fearless, but supported. And then the final question is if I knew that I was allowed to be afraid and I moved forward anyway, what would I want to do?
And then sit with that because sometimes we aren't actually waiting for readiness, we're waiting for certainty. And infertility doesn't always give us certainty, and I would say really doesn't ever give us certainty because there's a part of this that we don't know. And so if you're terrified to do another embryo transfer, I don't want your conclusion to be, "I'm not ready."
I want you to get curious about what that fear is telling you. So maybe it is telling you that you need more information. Then maybe it's telling you that you need more support. For you, it could be that you need to grieve, or maybe you need a break. Or maybe it's simply telling you that this matters to me, and I know how much it can hurt.
And you don't have to eliminate that fear before making your decision. You can make room for it. You can support yourself through it. And then you can decide what your next step is, not because somebody convinced you that you should be ready, but because you've given yourself enough space that you can hear your own answer.
And that can really feel like a big breath of fresh air. And so if you have a question that you would like me to answer on a future Dear Jess episode, you can submit it by anonymously-- You can submit it anonymously using the link in the show notes. I read every question, and if you're wondering about it, there's a very good chance that somebody else navigating infertility is also wondering about it too.
And so I would love to read your question when you feel ready. I will see you next time
📍 Thank you for being here today. If you would like to submit an anonymous question for Dear Jess, please see the show notes for the link. I would love to support you with answering your question. And if you're ready to go deeper, the Her Fertility Support Portal is where this work continues. It's a monthly membership built for women who want to feel genuinely supported, not just medically, but emotionally, somatically, and in community with women who actually understand.
You can find everything at www.herfertility.support. And if today was your first time here, welcome. Come back. There's more where this came from. Until next time, give yourself love. You are doing more than you know.
