β π
Welcome to Her Fertility, the podcast for women navigating infertility who want to feel like themselves again while they do it. I'm your host, Jess Tims, researcher, educator, and somatic practitioner, and I've been exactly where you are. I know what it feels like to be in the waiting, in the not knowing, in the relentless hope and grief of this journey, and I know there is a way to move through it fully alive without losing yourself in the process.
Every week, I bring you honest conversations, real research, and the kind of support your clinic can't prescribe. This is Her Fertility. Come on in.
βDear Jess, is God punishing me because I can't get pregnant? I want to talk about this question today because I recently shared something on social media about this idea that God is not punishing you with infertility. And the response to that post was incredible. I wasn't anticipating it to be, like, one of my most popular posts.
Um, but there were multiple people in the comments saying like, "Yeah, I've thought that," or, um, you know, "Thank you for saying this." And even one person said that their mother-in-law thinks this about her infertility journey. And it really made me realize that there are women walking around every day carrying the weight of this belief, sometimes very silently.
And there might be actually women who believe that the reason they haven't been able to get pregnant is because they've done something wrong. Maybe God is withholding something from them, or maybe they're being punished.
And I want to have a bigger conversation about that today. Because infertility doesn't just affect, you know, like your reproductive system. Like, we could talk about hormones all day long, but the reality of living through an infertility journey is that it can affect your marriage, your relationships, your identity, your sense of worth, even your relationship with God and, or whatever you believe in.
And so I think it's unfair that we don't talk about those deeper parts of the infertility journey really at all, and they are a huge part of the experience that you are living through. Like, they're real things. And so today we're gonna talk about faith, religion, and the expectations that we inherit, And so if you identify with this at all in any aspect, I'm going to give you tools at the end of this episode. Um, but even if you're just curious about this conversation, I encourage you to listen all the way through, because this is something that women who are experiencing infertility really deserve more understanding around.
And I want to start with something from my own experience with infertility, because when I went through infertility, prayer was not what I needed. I grew up in an evangelical Christian church, and I really understand that world. I understand, you know, like the language and the teachings and the traditions and how central faith can be to someone's life and identity.
And even before I experienced infertility, I had started to question some of the things that I had been taught because there were some differences between what I understood and then some, like, because, because there were some differences between what I understood and what I felt, like in my faith Compared to some of the narratives that I had been hearing like my whole life in the church.
And then when infertility happened, I remember that I really didn't want support from like my church friends, or I didn't want to go to like a church support group. Um, I didn't want Bible verses. I didn't particularly want my family telling me that they were going to pray for me. And I wanna be clear about something.
It wasn't that I thought those people were like trying to hurt me. I know often when someone says like, "I'll pray for you," that that genuinely means like an expression of love for them, and that's how they show up. But for me, it felt completely disconnected from what I was actually experiencing. Because what I was going through felt incredibly difficult.
It felt like they didn't understand at all. And I was trying to get pregnant, and it wasn't happening. And so I was living that daily like uncertainty, that daily disappointment, that emotional rollercoaster that comes with an infertility journey. And what I really needed was for someone to listen to me Like, what I needed was somebody to hear how hard this was.
I needed someone to acknowledge that what I was experiencing was real without immediately trying to make it better. And instead, what I often received was some version of like, "Oh, I'll pray for you." And I just remember feeling like, but are like, but are you hearing me? Like, do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?
Or like, can we just talk about how hard this is? Because I didn't need someone to, like, pray away my pain. I needed someone to understand that I was in pain. And I think that there's something really important in that distinction because sometimes the way that people know how to offer support, like, or the way that they think they should be offering support isn't actually the support that we need.
And we're allowed to recognize that. So that is my experience. And so let's come back to the original question of, is God punishing me because I can't get pregnant? I want you to think about the messages that you may have grown up hearing about, , motherhood. Maybe you were taught that, like, children are a blessing, that motherhood is one of the most important roles that a woman can have, that having a family is part of God's plan.
Maybe you grew up hearing that if you pray and you have faith and you trust in God, things will work out in the way they're supposed to That was my experience, and maybe you have that experience too. And this is really regardless of, like, what faith you subscribe to, um, because there are some central themes here.
So stay with me, 'cause we're getting into some good stuff. So what happens when that's the narrative of you growing up and your understanding of, like, faith in God, then you actually do grow up, and you get married maybe, right? And you decide that you're ready to have children, that you wanna step into this beautiful role of parenthood, and you do everything you're supposed to do, and then you don't get pregnant.
And ... Or you get pregnant, and you experience a loss, or you go through fertility treatment, and it doesn't work. And suddenly, all of those messages that you grew up hearing can take on a very different meaning because if children are a blessing, then what does that mean if you haven't received that blessing?
If God answers prayers, why aren't my prayers being answered? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for this? Right? Like, if you've been taught that good things happen when you live a certain way, what does it say about me when this isn't happening? So can you see how quickly that can become a question about your worth?
And whether you're good enough, and whether you've done something wrong. And I wanna be very clear, infertility is not evidence that you've sinned, or that you're being punished, or that you've somehow failed to earn motherhood. Infertility is something hard that you are experiencing. Infertility is a medical and a reproductive experience with many possible causes, some of which we understand and some of which we have yet to understand.
They are unexplained. It is not a moral diagnosis. And I think that that distinction is incredibly important, and it's especially important for the women who have been raised in a religious environment where suffering can sometimes be interpreted as the lesson or a test or a consequence. Because when you start looking at infertility through that lens, it can become very easy to turn an already painful experience into something deeply personal about who you are, and you don't deserve that additional burden.
, And I wanna talk about a few things that people sometimes say to women experiencing infertility, not to call you out, but just so we can start to open up this conversation because, like I said at the beginning of this episode, we have been doing women a disservice by not talking about this part of infertility.
And so some things that people will say, like with their words, to women who are experiencing infertility are things like, "Everything happens for a reason," or, "It's all in God's timing," or, "Just keep praying," like, "Keep having your faith," or, "God has a plan for you," or, "Maybe you just need to have more faith."
That can also look like, "Maybe you need to manifest this," right? Now, depending on, like, your beliefs, some of these statements might genuinely bring you comfort, and they're allowed to do that. Like, these statements might, in the perfect moment, land in a way that feels good, and if they do, that's awesome.
But I also wanna make space for the women who hears this statement and feels worse. Because what if she's already been praying? What if she's been praying for years? What if she's had multiple miscarriages? What if she just found out that another round of IVF didn't work? What if she's exhausted, angry, grieving, and terrified about what comes next, and then someone tells her to trust in God's timing?
What is she supposed to do with that? Sometimes those words can feel like they're asking her to stop being upset. They're asking her to stop questioning, to stop expressing how difficult things are, and to replace her very real emotions with faith. But I don't think that faith and difficult emotions have to be opposites.
You can believe in God and be angry. Like, you can be spiritual and feel completely lost. You can have faith and still be devastated when your pregnancy test is negative. And there's something about believing, like, in something greater than yourself and still not understanding why you're going through this.
You don't have to pretend that infertility is easier than it is in order to be a person of faith
And one more thought here is you don't have to make someone else's comfort with, like ... Sorry, how do I say it? So, and one more thought here is that you don't have to make someone else's ... And, and one more thought here. You don't have to make someone else comfortable with your suffering by hiding how you actually feel.
That is taking on responsibility for someone else's emotions, and you're already carrying enough, right? And so this is something that I've come to understand more deeply over the years. In working with hundreds of women who are on their fertility journey, I have seen this to be true in so many different layers and facets and angles, and it is something that they all benefited from us talking through.
And so if you are still with me in this episode, I am so grateful, and I really hope that you get some of these deep nuggets out of this, because this is something ... Because there is a difference between your personal relationship with God, with Source, with the divine, or whatever the language that you use is for that greater thing.
There's a difference between that personal relationship and the beliefs and the expectations that other people have taught you about that relationship So I think that, and I, and I think that infertility can really bring that into focus because when you're going through something that challenges so much of what you believed about how life was supposed to unfold, then you might start questioning things that you've never questioned before.
Like you might start asking, like, "Does this belief bring me comfort or does this make me feel ashamed?" Or maybe you ask, "Is this how I experience my faith, or is this how someone else has told me I'm supposed to experience my faith?" And for me, my relationship with spirituality has really evolved tremendously since my infertility journey
because that was something I dug deeper into when I started having these bigger questions about
my inner power because those, because tho- because that inner voice of mine felt more true than anything I was being offered on the outside, like anybody else's opinion or what they thought they were supposed to be saying to me to help me feel better. Now, I'm not sharing that because you need to change the way that you believe, but I am, but I am suggesting that you're allowed to examine what feels good for you, and you're allowed to question what doesn't.
And you're allowed to have a relationship with your own faith that doesn't require you to interpret your fertility journey as something you've done wrong. You can decide that your religion isn't somewhere where you wanna go looking for support right now, and you're allowed to also lean into your faith if that feels good for you.
There is no right way. The right way is the way that feels good for you
And before we close this episode, there's another word that comes up a lot in the conversations about faith and infertility, and that's the word surrender. And I think this is really interesting because when you're trying to get pregnant, especially if you've been trying for a while, there can be an enormous amount of pressure to figure everything out, to do everything correctly, to make the right decisions, to choose the right treatment, to take the right supplements, to somehow make the outcome happen.
And when you're already carrying all of that pressure, the idea of surrender can sound appealing, but it can also be misunderstood. Because surrender doesn't have to mean giving up. It doesn't have to mean that you stop pursuing treatment. It doesn't mean that you have to stop wanting a baby. And it certainly doesn't mean that you have to accept that infertility is some kind of punishment or lesson that you're supposed to learn I think a more helpful way to think about surrender is what if surrender means recognizing the difference between what you can influence and what you cannot control?
You can ask questions. You can seek medical care. You can make informed decisions. You can decide what feels right for you. You can advocate for yourself. You can take care of your emotional wellbeing. You can find tools that support you, that feel good for you. But you cannot guarantee that any particular, you know, cycle or treatment or embryo transfer or supplement will result in a pregnancy.
And that uncertainty can be incredibly
the belief that you are personally responsible for controlling-
that uncertainty. And if prayer is meaningful to you, then maybe prayer can become a place where you express your fears and your hopes rather than feeling like you need to be, you know, responsible for the outcome. So you can use your faith and your religion in that way that feels supportive, but it doesn't mean you need to pray harder or that you need to prove that your faith is strong enough or any of that.
You can show up as you are, whether that's scared or hopeful or angry or grieving or uncertain, all of it. You're allowed to decide what does feel supportive for you Even when the, you know, like the doctrine that you grew up in might sound differently or might be interpreted differently by other people.
This is about you. This is about what feels good for you. Okay? And I wanna come back to something that I said in the beginning about my own experience, because I think that this might be one of the most important parts of this conversation. When people did offer to pray for me, I knew that they meant well, but I didn't want that kind of support.
And for a long time, like especially as women, I think that we're taught that when someone offers help, we're supposed to be grateful. Like, we're supposed to accept it, and we're supposed to appreciate that someone is thinking about us and that they wanna help. And the reality is, like, we can appreciate someone's intention while also recognizing that what they're offering isn't what we need.
Both of those things can be true And circling back to surrendering, it really became for me about recognizing what was for me, right? So like what felt good, what I was responsible for, and then everything else I could let go. So I couldn't control the outcome. I also couldn't control how people responded to my fertility journey, and I didn't have to take that on just because they were a well-meaning aunt of mine who wanted to comfort me.
I didn't want what she was offering, and that's okay. You can love your family and not want to discuss your fertility treatments with them. Like, you can respect somebody else's religious beliefs and not want them to interpret your infertility journey through those beliefs. You can appreciate that someone wants to pray for you and still say, like, "What I really need right now is for you to listen."
And I want to give you permission to communicate that. And so here's what it looks like. And you can write these down. You can come back to the episode and write them down. Um, but here are some ideas because I think this is where, you know, like when you hit the pavement, it gets a little bumpy sometimes because we don't know how to say the thing.
Um, that was very true for me. And so you might say, "I appreciate that you're thinking of me, but right now I really just need to... someone to hear what I'm going through." Or you could say, you know, to whoever. Or you could say, "I know that your faith is important to you, but I'm not looking for a spiritual explanation for my infertility."
Or you could say, "I don't need advice right now. I just need to talk." And I know that those conversations might be uncomfortable, especially in some of your closest relationships where there's already a communication pattern that's been established. Um, but you're allowed to have boundaries around your experience, and you're allowed to decide who gets access to those more vulnerable parts of your journey.
Maybe it's no one, right? And you're allowed to ask for the kind of support that actually feels supportive for you because I do believe, like, people are well-intended and sometimes they don't know what to say, and so communicating that with one of those examples can benefit them as well. And before we wrap up, I wanna give you something to think about.
If you've been feeling guilt, shame, or confusion around your faith during infertility, I want you to ask yourself this: What do I actually believe about what I'm going through, and what have I been taught to believe? And you could take that a, a little bit further. When ... Like, a question like, when thinking about infertility, are the beliefs that make me feel like I
Or you could take, or you could take that one step further and ask, when I think about my infertility, are there beliefs that make me feel like I've done something wrong? Are there expectations that I'm carrying that don't belong to me? Am I trying to make sense of this experience through someone else's interpretations of what my life is supposed to look like?
And then you can ask, what would it feel to release some of those expectations? Not necessarily to find all the answers, not to figure out why infertility is happening, but to begin separating your experience from the shame or the judgment that might have become attached to it. Because infertility is hard enough.
You don't need to make it a reflection of your goodness, your faith, or your worth. And I think there's something really powerful in recognizing that you get to decide what you believe and what you need, even when the people around you are seeing things differently. And so I want to leave you with this, 'cause we've done some digging, and sometimes digging brings up things.
So you do not have to earn the right to become a mother by being good enough. You do not have to prove that your faith is strong enough. You do not have to interpret infertility as a punishment, and you don't have to accept that every explanation or, like, expression of support that someone offers you, you don't have to accept all of those.
You're allowed to question. You're allowed to feel everything you're feeling, and you're allowed to decide what support looks like for you. Because one of the things infertility can do is make you feel like so much of your life is outside of your control. And while there are parts of fertility that none of us can control, you still have a voice.
You still have the ability to make decisions. You still get to decide what feels right for you. You deserve to be heard. And that's one of the core reasons why I created the sanctuary because I know what it feels like to be surrounded by people who want to help but don't necessarily understand what you're experiencing.
And I wanted to create a place where women could bring all of themselves into this experience, not just their fertility questions or their treatment decisions, but all of these layers, your grief, your fears, your relationship challenges, your beliefs, your uncertainty, and all of the parts of your life that infertility touches.
A place where you don't have to pretend that you're okay. You don't even have to show up to be around other people. It's a place for you And you can be met where you are, and you can find the tools to help you navigate what you're experiencing and to begin figuring out what you need next. Because you shouldn't have to figure out how to live through infertility while you're also trying to figure out how to get pregnant.
And you can learn more about the sanctuary in the show notes below and online at herfertility.support. And if today's conversation has brought up something for you, I'd love for you to sit with it. Maybe the first step is simply recognizing that you're allowed to have your own voice, your own say, and your own interpretation about what's happening.
And this is the beginning of a few deeper questions that I am answering here on the podcast. So I will see you next week with the next one
β π Thank you for being here today. If you would like to submit an anonymous question for Dear Jess, please see the show notes for the link. I would love to support you with answering your question. And if you're ready to go deeper,
you can find everything at www.herfertility.support. And if today was your first time here, welcome. Come back. There's more where this came from. Until next time, give yourself love. You are doing more than you know.
