📍 Welcome to Her Fertility, the podcast for women navigating infertility who want to feel like themselves again while they do it. I'm your host, Jess Tims, researcher, educator, and somatic practitioner, and I've been exactly where you are. I know what it feels like to be in the waiting, in the not knowing, in the relentless hope and grief of this journey, and I know there is a way to move through it fully alive without losing yourself in the process.
Every week, I bring you honest conversations, real research, and the kind of support your clinic can't prescribe. This is Her Fertility. Come on in.
Welcome back to the Her Fertility Podcast. If you listened to last week's episode, then you know that we're diving into some really deep questions together, and this question is just as deep as last week's. Um, so it says, "Why is infertility affecting my marriage when we both want the same thing?"
And I wanna talk about relationships today because I think this is one of the parts of infertility that we don't talk about nearly enough but is extremely real in your daily experience. Because when we talk about fertility, we usually talk about, like, the medical side, the testing, the diagnosis, you know, like, your treatments, your appointments, and, like, the waiting.
And all of those are very valid, but infertility doesn't just happen in a fertility clinic. It comes home with you. And the majority of people navigating this are in partnership with somebody else who also wants the same thing. So infertility starts to show up in your conversations, in your sex life, in your finances, in how you spend your weekends, in the way that you're communicating with the people that you love, and it becomes part of really all of the things that you used to do for fun.
Um, and it can some kind- and it can sometimes create an unspoken distance between two people who do want the same thing, which is a baby. Um, but I think this is really what makes things so confusing, um, because There's a part of you that might be thinking, like, "We're on the same team and we both want a child, so why does this feel like we're experiencing, like, two completely different things?
Or why is he reacting differently than I am?" And so I wanna talk to you today about why that happens, what it can look like, and how you can begin to understand one another without expecting your partner to feel the exact same way that you do. Because if you don't take anything else away from this, I want you to hear this.
You can be on the same team, and you can be standing in two different emotional places, and that's okay. So let's break this down. If this is you, if you identify with this question as well, then I want you to stay to the end, 'cause I'm gonna give you some tools to use for your relationship. So let's get into it.
Um, you might have seen my post on TikTok where I shared about a couple that I have been working with for a while, and who I deeply, deeply love and admire. Um, but I was sharing some details about their journey
Um, and But I was sh- I was sharing details about their journey. Of course, keeping, like, their identity and their specific details private. Um, I want to explain the experience itself because it really unders- it really ... Because it really illustrates something that I think is really important. So I'm supporting a woman who has been experiencing secondary infertility for years.
She's experienced pregnancy losses, um, and her and her hus- her ... Um, she's experienced pregnancy losses, failed IVF. They've now chosen to use a donor egg and use IVF one last time. Okay? Now, her and her husband have been through so much together, and now, as of today, she is pregnant with the donor egg embryo, and this is something that they have both wanted for years, and it is great news, right?
Like, there's no doubt about that. Like, there's part of me that wants to, like, jump up and celebrate, and, like, I am so, so, so, so, so happy for them. And her husband was also thrilled. He was so excited. He wants to celebrate. He wants to tell the family, and she is not ready. She's pregnant, but she's scared, and everything she had experienced was in her body and in her mind, and she just wasn't in a place, as of recording this episode, where she could comfortably share that news with everyone.
And so she asked me if I would talk to her husband, not because he was doing something wrong, but because she was struggling to explain something that felt so obvious inside her own experience. And so I spoke with him. I called him, And I explained that after years of experiencing pregnancy loss and infertility, a positive pregnancy test doesn't necessarily erase the fear that has developed through those experiences.
This pregnancy is new, but her history was still a part of what she's experiencing. And so for him, this was a moment to, like, move forward, right? Like, "Okay, great, we got the thing that we want. Like, let's move forward." And for her, it was something that she so desperately wanted, but she's also afraid of what could happen next, and neither of them is wrong.
They're just living in two different emotional experiences of the same event, and I think that this happens in infertility all the time. So while this might be one couple's experience, you might be experiencing something similar in your version, right? So Even if you haven't had a journey that includes, you know, like donor eggs and all the things, you might still understand what this feels like.
And so what I wish couples could understand is that infertility doesn't affect everyone in the same way. Even when two people are trying to have a baby together, they are bringing different like histories and fears, personalities, expectations, and ways of coping into the experience. And depending on who's undergoing the medical treatment, their day-to-day experiences can be very different too.
So even though, you know, you might be the partner who's like going to every appointment with her and, you know, like in step, the experience is still different. And it doesn't mean that one experience is less than the other. They're just different experiences. And so if you're the person who is going through the treatment, the testing, you know, like the IVF, then your body might be the one that is being monitored.
You're the one that's having the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the injections
Her partner is seeing someone that they love suffering, and they wanna make it better. But she might not be ready to talk about solutions. She might just need someone to sit beside her and say, "I know this is really hard." And when she doesn't get that, she may feel even more alone Because now she's not only dealing with the disappointment, she's also feeling misunderstood by the person she most wants to understand her.
And her partner may be confused because from their perspective, they're trying to help. And so you have two people who love each other, both trying to navigate something very difficult, and somehow both are ending up frustrated. And I think one of the simplest things that couples can begin practicing is asking, and you can write this down or you can come back to the episode and write these down, 'cause these are really great tools to have in your back pocket.
So one of the simplest things you can start asking is, "Do you want me to help you figure something out or do you just need me to listen?" This is one of the tools we have inside the sanctuary, because sometimes you need to be able to communicate something without getting feedback, right? And so if you're the one who needs support, you can say that.
"I don't need you to solve this right now. I just need you to hear me." And it might sound simple, but it can change the entire direction of a conversation. And I also wanna talk about intimacy because this is another area where infertility can have a significant impact on relationships. And I don't know for whoever asked this question if this is part of your struggle, um, but I can assume for somebody out there it is.
So before trying to have a baby, sex might have been something that you experienced for pleasure, connection, a desire, right? And then you start tracking your ovulation, and suddenly there's the fertile window. There is a specific day and time when you should have intercourse, and there's pressure to perform, right?
There might also be disappointment if the timing doesn't work out. There might be resentment if one of you is on a work thing or you can't because of something. So what used to be spontaneous begins to feel scheduled or even, like, obligatory, like you must do it. Or if you're undergoing fertility treatment, sex may become even more complicated because there might be, like, medical instructions about when to have intercourse and then when to abstain
You might be exhausted, you might feel disconnected from your body, and all of that can impact your intimacy. And so if
The change in sexual desire or intimacy during infertility doesn't automatically mean that there's something wrong with your relationship. You are navigating circumstances that fundamentally change the meaning and the experience of sex. And sometimes couples need to find new ways of connecting that don't revolve around, you know, conception, like, that don't revolve around trying to get pregnant, of that act.
So maybe that's physical affection without the expectation of sex, or maybe it's spending time together without talking about your fertility journey. Or maybe it's having honest conversations about what intimacy feels like right now. The goal isn't to force your relationship back into how it was before infertility.
Instead, it's-- the goal is to understand what each of you needs in the circumstances that you're living through right now. And if you're in this, I just want you to know you're not gonna be in this forever. This is a point in time
And there's another part of infertility in relationships that I think deserves our attention as well in this conversation. So sometimes the female partner can begin feeling responsible for their partner's disappointment as well as their own because it's her body. And so maybe you're the one who received, you know, your fertility diagnosis, like you have infertility, or maybe you're the one going through the treatment and, like, having the IVF procedure, or maybe you're the one who's experienced pregnancy loss.
And somewhere along the way, you begin to feel like you're letting your partner down. You might think, you know, "He would have already been a father if it weren't for me. He's going through all of this because of my body. I know how badly he wants a baby, and I can't give him one." All of those thoughts can be incredibly painful because now infertility isn't just something that you're experiencing, it's something that you're blaming yourself for.
And so I want to challenge that a little bit with you because I know you can handle it. You are not responsible for producing a pregnancy as proof of your love for your partner. You might wanna write that down. You are not responsible for producing a pregnancy as proof of love for your partner.
Infertility is not a personal failure. It can feel like one, but it's not, okay? It's not. And your worth in your relationship is not determined by your ability to conceive. And I also want to acknowledge that these feelings can happen, um, flipped. So if this is a male infertility diagnosis, he can feel responsible.
Um, and it can also happen without a diagnosis, right? Like, if you're just on a fertility journey and you're not getting pregnant in the time that you thought, these thoughts can start to come in. And so this is why I think it's so important to create room for both people's experiences without assigning blame, without deciding, you know, whose experience is harder, and without making one person responsible for carrying all of the emotional weight. And so let's come back to the couple that I mentioned at the beginning, my client, because I think that their experience illustrates something bigger. So what happens when you and your partner are ready for different things? So maybe one of you wants to begin IVF and the other wants to keep trying without treatment.
Maybe one of you wants to take a break and the other is terrified of losing time, or maybe one of you wants to tell the family what's happening and the other wants privacy. Another ex- thing I've seen is one of you wants to explore donor conception, and the other needs more time to process that as a possibility These are all very significant decisions, and they don't come with easy compromises.
And I think that sometimes couples feel like being united, like being married, being one, means that you have to arrive at the same emotional place at the same time. But that's unrealistic. You can be committed to the same relationship. You can be deeply loving and have different feelings about what comes next.
And I think that it's important to distinguish between understanding your partner and agreeing with your partner. You can understand why your partner wants to move forward, you know, with a treatment before you're ready to do that. You can understand why your partner is excited about that pregnancy announcement and you still want privacy, right?
You can understand why your partner needs a break without interpreting that as, like, giving up on having a baby. Understanding doesn't mean resolving every disagreement. It creates a different starting point. So instead of asking, like, "Why don't you feel the way that I do? Why don't we agree on this?" You can ask instead, "Can you help me understand what this feeling is like for you?"
Like, "Can you help me understand why you want to," fill in the blank, right? Like, tell the family. And sometimes that question opens up an entirely different conversation, and it opens up more understanding. And so I wanna give you a few questions beyond this one that you can think about, and especially if infertility has created some tension in your relationship, you might wanna write these down.
Um, not that, you know, every dinner needs to become a therapy session, but sometimes you don't know where to start. Um, and when you're in this with someone that you love, you know, like the most in the whole world, the last thing you want is for your marriage to become like a battleground. And so here are some questions to help you And before I give you them, I do wanna say, again, you are at a moment in time, and my marriage now is so much stronger today than it ever has been.
We are so, so deeply in love. So if that serves as hope in any way, I hope that it does. But here's some questions. So the first question is: What am I actually needing from my partner right now? We walk through this in the sanctuary a lot together because getting clarity is the first step. So what am I actually needing from my partner right now?
Not, what do I wish they would know or not what do I think they should be doing, like, what do I need? So maybe you need reassurance. Maybe you need, like, actual practical help with the appointments and the treatment logistics, or maybe you need them to initiate a conversation instead of waiting for you to bring something up.
Maybe you need them to try to stop fixing your emotions, or maybe you need more affection. Maybe you need a night where you don't talk about infertility at all. Try to get specific, like, whatever it is for you because saying that, "I need you to support me more," can be very-- or it can be interpreted very differently from both people.
It's pretty vague. Like, "I need you to support me more." Great. How? In what way? What does support mean to you, right? Okay, so get clear. Then the second question is: Have I actually communicated that I need that? So, like, have I actually communicated that need? And I say this because I know how frustrating it can be to feel like the person closest to you should just understand because I would think that after 10 years of being married to me, you would just be able to read my mind by now.
But sometimes they don't. Not because they don't love you, but because they aren't inside your experience. So have you actually communicated that thing? And remember, if you're in a close relationship with someone, you have already developed a communication pattern, and likely this type of conversation is going to go against the pattern that you already have, so it can feel really uncomfortable.
But it doesn't mean that it is uncomfortable, and it doesn't mean that it's uncomfortable for the other person. So take a deep breath, maybe go inside the sanctuary, give yourself some grounding experience before you have this conversation, and then communicate what you actually need. Okay, and then the third question is, have I made room to understand what my partner is experiencing too?
Because your partner might be carrying fears, disappointments, or pressures that you haven't fully seen. And I think that there's something really meaningful about creating space for both experiences without, like, having it be a competition, right? Like, without deciding that one is more valid than the other.
And if you're experiencing, like, conflict or disconnection or struggling to make a decision about something You don't have to figure all of that out on your own. Your relationship is allowed to be that, a relationship, a communication, it doesn't have to be figured out already.
You guys can figure that out together. And so I wanna leave you with this, because we're unpacking the deep stuff this month on the Her Fertility podcast. We are going deep with some really great questions, and I'm so grateful that you're brave enough to ask these, because these are conversations I've been having for years with women.
And I know from my own personal experience and from the clients that I've supported that, infertility doesn't just affect your body, right? Like, this stuff goes super deep and super wide. And so I wanna leave you with this, um, and I do hope that you join for next week's episode because we're gonna dive deep again.
Infertility can become the organizing force in a relationship because your schedules will revolve around your appointments, your conversations will revolve around your test results, your finances will start to revolve around treatment, your plans will start to revolve around, you know, whatever's gonna happen next month or whether you're pregnant or not, like, do you book that vacation?
And slowly what happens is your relationship begins to feel like it's entirely about having a baby. But your relationship existed before infertility. And while it might not look or feel the same way right now, there are still two people inside of it. And it's... The goal is not to, you know, get back to, like, pre-wedding bliss, but it is important to make room for both people's experiences.
This is how your love grows deeper. And this isn't because, you know, like, going on a date or taking a weekend away is gonna fix your infertility. It's not because you need to stop thinking about getting pregnant. But you deserve to have moments of connection that aren't measured by whether you're pregnant or not. So these conversations, these questions are a place to start. And you don't have to wait until infertility is over to connect to each other again.
📍 Thank you for being here today. If you would like to submit an anonymous question for Dear Jess, please see the show notes for the link. I would love to support you with answering your question. And if you're ready to go deeper,
you can find everything at www.herfertility.support. And if today was your first time here, welcome. Come back. There's more where this came from. Until next time, give yourself love. You are doing more than you know.
