Welcome to Her Fertility, the podcast for women navigating infertility who want to feel like themselves again while they do it. I'm your host, Jess Tims, researcher, educator, and somatic practitioner, and I've been exactly where you are. I know what it feels like to be in the waiting, in the not knowing, in the relentless hope and grief of this journey, and I know there is a way to move through it fully alive without losing yourself in the process.
Every week, I bring you honest conversations, real research, and the kind of support your clinic can't prescribe. This is Her Fertility. Come on in. Dear Jess, does stress really affect my fertility? I'm really glad you asked me this because I see women carrying an enormous amount of responsibility around stress when they're trying to conceive.
But it becomes a even bigger problem when you are worried that being stressed about infertility is the reason that you're experiencing infertility. And so you feel this sense of responsibility around, "Because I'm stressed, I'm causing myself infertility," or the opposite of like, "I need to not be stressed," or, "I need to not be worried or anxious or overwhelmed or whatever, because me being that way is causing myself infertility."
And if you've ever thought that, I want you to hear this super clearly. There are people who are stressed that get pregnant all of the time. So it's becomes a very different conversation here with me around stress, because we don't understand stress that well, and so I'm gonna do my best to break it down so you can really see, whether this is something you need to be spending your energy on or not.
But then I also want you to walk away with a new perception around stress. So stick with me to the end because I'm going to give you some actionable things that you can do today to help move yourself forward no matter where you're at on your fertility journey. And so simply stated, yes, there is research that shows that stress impacts fertility health. But I do think that we oversimplify stress,
and we often think of stress as, like, this feeling in the body, like this anxiety that might live in the upper chest area. So we know the feeling of feeling stressed, but stress in general is much more complex,
so while you might be experiencing stress having infertility also creates the experience of stress, and so it is bidirectional, right? Like, there's two ways that this goes, and there's more than one kind of stress.
There's physical stressors, psychological stressors. There's emotional stressors. There's things like acute and chronic stress, perceived stress.
Like, there's a lot of different ways that we could segment that word. It's important to understand there are dimensions and levels to this. So it's not fair, in my opinion, to say stress causes infertility or stress impacts your fertility because there's a big difference between, like, I cried or I had an emotional reaction to a negative pregnancy test.
That is not the same thing as, like, my body has decided it is unsafe to reproduce. Like, those are two very different conversations around stress. And in full transparency, in the past, I have talked about stress in a way that I now talk about it a little bit differently.
Because everybody's experience of stress and the things that cause that in your body are unique to you. They also change, right? Like, on this journey, I think that's why I call it a journey, is because things change and they shift. So do yourself a favor and give yourself, like, a break knowing that stress is dynamic, and what it is for you is unique to you.
So yes, we have data and research that shows, like, stress can impact our fertility, and we can understand that on, like, a biological level. But it is super essential to understand that infertility itself is stressful, regardless of where you're at on your journey and what has transpired up until now These things that are happening to you, the desire to be pregnant and not seeing that come to fruition in the timeline that you want it to happen, that is stressful.
Like, you so deeply want to step into motherhood. Like, you are ready. This is a big identity shift. This is something that for most people you've thought about, um, or you've always, like, had in your heart, and you're now like, "Yes, I want to become a mom," and then it's not happening. And I think what really adds to that is there is a lot that impacts fertility.
You know, I've said before, like, fertility is your vitality, and in that, like underneath the layers of that saying is there is so much impacting your fertile health. And so when you start to learn about all of that, it can become extremely overwhelming, and there's this timeframe that you're working with.
You know, you have one cycle about every month, so there's this waiting period. In that amount of time, you know, you can argue like, "Oh, we're so used to getting things now, and we are in a, instant gratification culture." But I think it's more than that. I think when you are ready for something and you have a desire for something, you're ready for it now.
And so there is this timeline that creates some tension, some waiting, some unknown. And then on top of that, there's a lot of decisions that need to be made. So you're waiting and then maybe thinking about some decisions. There could be financial decisions. There could be, you know, w- what to do with your doctor.
There's also a big dynamic around your relationships, specifically your relationship with your partner, but also with your friends and your family because we socially have this expectation around when people should be getting pregnant and what that means and then when you turn inwardly, there's this big identity thing that's happening, right?
Like, you are waiting for this next step to move forward in your life, and your friends might be getting pregnant. You might be waiting, to go on vacation before you find out if you're pregnant. You might be thinking forward with your job or where you're gonna live or, like, there's all of these things that are big life things that are impacted by infertility.
And then on top of that, someone might tell you to just relax. And so You're now being stressed about being stressed when someone says that, and it just, it really layers, right? Like, I don't wanna say it piles on. It can feel that way. But there's just so many layers to it all. And so the mind and the function of our beautiful mind is that it wants to make sense of the thing.
The mind is a problem-solving creature, right? Like, it wants to solve this problem. The challenge with infertility is there is no knowing when you are going to get pregnant. Like, there are, of course, are things you could do to increase your chances or, you know, optimize your fertility or, or whatever. But for the mind and the function of the mind, there's nothing that can predict the future.
And so it's trying to solve a puzzle that is truly unsolvable, which is hard for your brain because your brain wants certainty, but infertility gives you uncertainty. So the brain is gonna start saying things like, "Research more. Oh, check again. Google it. Buy that supplement. Read the other article.
Scroll on Instagram. Figure this out, not because you are failing, but because your mind is trying to solve a problem. So if you find yourself in this, where you're relating to me and you're hearing, like, "Yeah, okay, I understand that stress, and I understand that my mind is doing this," like you recognize that in yourself, and maybe that's why you asked this question, here's a tool for you to walk away with.
I'm gonna give you some more examples at the end of this episode. But one thing that you can use as kind of like a compass, like a North Star for you right now, is to ask, "Is what I'm doing right now giving me useful information, or am I trying to create certainty where certainty just isn't available?"
Is my mind trying to create certainty, trying to get ahead of the thing, trying to create an environment where it knows what to expect? Or is the research I'm doing, the endless scrolling, the supplements, whatever, is that giving me useful information? Is that actually something that's helpful?
Now, that can sometimes be, uh, a little bit tricky to navigate on your own, but give it a try. And what you might find is that you are carrying a lot of extra things, thoughts, tasks that you might not need to be carrying. So try that on. Let me know how it goes.
What this really boils down to for me, if you're asking, "Does stress impact my fertility?" For me, the answer is, it can. But more importantly, you deserve to feel supported while you're trying to get pregnant. Not because a perfectly regulated nervous system gets you pregnant. Like, no. It's because this experience is stressful. This experience is hard. This experience is not one that you asked for. It's not one that you know when it's gonna end.
And because of the nature of this experience, whether you want it to or not, there may be an underlying hum of stress. Like, we'll call it stress. It could take on a lot of different, varieties. And because of that, I truly believe that you deserve support through this. And so support could look like supporting your nervous system, but it could also look a couple different ways.
So I'm gonna give you three things that you can do today so that you have an actionable thing to do that will help you move the needle beyond this worry of like, "Oh no, if I'm stressed, I'm causing my infertility," because that is not true. You can tuck that in your back pocket. Just take that one with you.
The first thing is to identify the source. So what we talked about earlier, is the thing that I'm doing necessary? Really looking at, for you, what is creating the most stress in your life right now? Not like, "Oh, I'm stressed," but what is it specifically? And if you had to get really granular on this, is it the waiting?
Is it a decision you need to be making and you don't know, what to do? Is it your clinic? Sometimes the clinic you're with is causing you stress. Is it your relationship? Now, you have multiple relationships, so is it your partner or is it your family?
Is it a friend? Is it somebody at work? Like, is there a relationship that's causing you to feel stress in some way? Do you have information overload? That can cause stress. Yes, I believe information is super helpful, but sometimes it's information overload to where you're like, "I don't even remember the thing that I read because I'm just reading everything," right?
But stress can come from outside sources too. It doesn't have to be just about fertility. You could have stress from work, stress around finances, whether tied to fertility or not. You could also have very acute stress around what's happening on your journey, so like your next transfer, selecting an egg donor, and so identifying for you what the source is. It's gonna be different for everybody, and for you it might change, right? Like, it could be this thing, and then that could shift.
So identifying it is like step one. Step two is to ask yourself what you really need. So like we talked about before, you might be carrying stuff that you don't need to be carrying. Either it's something that served you before and it doesn't serve you now, like researching.
Researching might have helped you when you first started learning about infertility, but now it's too much. And identify what you're carrying that's not supporting you right now, but also acutely like what is it that you actually need? This is gonna be unique to everybody. But for some people they need information.
For some people they need reassurance that what they're doing is actually working. For some people, it's more of a physical need. They need rest, or they need movement. Maybe you need permission to take a break, to stop researching. So it can look very unique, and sometimes talking with someone about this can actually help you hear for yourself what it is that you need.
And then the third thing is to choose one regulating habit something that genuinely works for you in your body that helps you feel, I don't wanna say calm, because sometimes regulating stuff doesn't necessarily feel calm, but it helps you feel grounded. It helps you release that hum of energy that's, like, surrounding you all the time.
And this is not the thing that Instagram says you should do. This is, like, the thing that actually works for you. So it might be walking, it might be breathwork, it might be yoga, it might be journaling, but it could be crying. It could be just getting outside. It could be actually turning off your phone or, like, not watching that TV show and instead doing something for you that feels grounding, that feels like you're coming back to yourself.
So I'll give you an example of my amazing client, Heather, who I had the honor of working with two pregnancies for. Her and I discovered early on that she loved to paint, and so painting became her outlet. It became that thing that she could turn to when she needed to be grounded and back to herself.
And so it wasn't that she painted every day or even needed to paint something specific. It's just that she had her paints available and waiting for when it felt like everything was spinning or, like, she was overthinking something or she did have, the overwhelm or a really poor outcome to a thing that she really wanted.
Painting for her was her thing that she could come back to. And so what is it for you? What is that thing that brings you back to yourself? If you don't have a thing, that's okay. I say that because I didn't have a thing for a while, then it becomes about trying different things.
So maybe it's trying a walk. It could be singing, dancing, journaling. Give a couple things a try and just see what feels good and know that it can change. It's not like you, like, find the thing and then that's the thing you do forever. And the biggest takeaway here that I hope you walk away with is that supporting your nervous system is not about perfection. Supporting your nervous system is not about perfecting yourself enough to get pregnant. It's about supporting you through something that's genuinely hard. Whether we like it or not, infertility is tricky.
And so supporting your nervous system is about supporting you through that thing. It's not about becoming this perfect version of a nervous system in order to get pregnant. And so if you listened to this and it brought up another question for you, send it to me anonymously through the link in the show notes.
Your question might become the next Dear Jess episode.
Thank you for being here today. If you would like to submit an anonymous question for Dear Jess, please see the show notes for the link. I would love to support you with answering your question. And if you're ready to go deeper, the Her Fertility Support Portal is where this work continues. It's a monthly membership built for women who want to feel genuinely supported, not just medically, but emotionally, somatically, and in community with women who actually understand.
You can find everything at www.herfertility.support. And if today was your first time here, welcome. Come back. There's more where this came from. Until next time, give yourself love. You are doing more than you know.